Blogger break ♥

I have decided to have a little bit of a break from blogging. I will be back in the Easter holidays. I need time to think and sort out life in general.
Also, me and a bunch of friends are raising money for Japan at school. We are aiming to raise £1200. I need time to sort that out too.

(big rant - you don't have to read)

My grandad died of cancer at the start of the week. 

The cancer had spread and he had previously collapsed before when he was out, but thankfully his amazing friends had phoned both us, and the ambulance. After the second time collapsing, he had to have a surgery to keep his heart steady.

Months later he got a heart attack and stroke in one. He went into a semi coma and the doctors thought he wouldn't survive it. He proved them all wrong and he made it but he had to stay in a home. I never got to visit him in a home because he passed away after being in there for a few weeks. If I am honest, I didn't cry that much when I found out because it hadn't sunk in yet. I feel horrible for that but now it has, it is more of an inside thing rather than showing my emotion - which I am very good at. The funeral is soon and I don't know if I want to see his body (I am thinking not at the moment) Because my dad is pushing me to see it and I really, really don't want to remember him that way.

I think all this sadness has also bring out one of my other hates in life - my body.

I have really bad insecurities with my body. I used to be obese (BMI of 31.7). Now I am healthy weight I hate my body even more. I hate my muscly calves, I hate my fat thighs - everything. I don't like talking about it to my friends and family because I feel like they think I make it up.

I also have no idea how to diet because I used to be on an 800kcal a day diet and that made me gain weight - wtf. Now I am eating normally but on DDR, which previously would make me lose 1kg (at least) a week, but now I am staying the same weight.

I get insomnia and I will wake up at about 3 O'clock and won't be able to get to sleep. This only happens when I am stressed.

Other personal depressants of life include friends, money, exams, relationships... just to name a few.

I promise I will be back in the Easter holidays, or if not earlier - depends when I feel better. Stick with me.

Lots of love

May Kay ♥